Anime Battle Dream Match
by Phoenixfire-k
Summary: An all request taken ring where your favorite anime/video game characters fight each other! First update in eternity! R&R&R!
1. First Fight! Orphen vs Dark Schneider!

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: I own none of the characters that show up in this story. None. Nada. Zilch. In fact, if you look it up in the law books, I wouldn't be surprised to find out they own me.  
  
NON-LEGAL JUNK: All right, here's the deal. This is a little set up I've decided needs to be done. You know that little section in Anime Invasion magazine where they pit various anime characters against each other? They just don't do justice. And let's face it. Chibi Goku vs. Astro Boy!? We, the otaku of America/ wherever else you might be reading this from deserve better! I pledge to create an open-ended fic-type thing where ANYTHING goes, so long as it's requested. Heck, if you've got an RPG character you wanna see fight, then give me the abilities via e-mail, and I'll work 'em in (Just don't be mad if they lose! ^_^). Kenshin Himura vs. Gene Starwind? No problem. My only stipulation is that nobody requests anything stupid (i.e., Mr. Satan vs. Wing Gundam Zero). The whole point of this is to give your favorite anime and video game characters a chance to beat the crap out of each other in detailed fights that truly do them justice. One warning though: I haven't seen every anime ever made, so it may take me a while to fulfill certain requests as I'll have to do some research so that I can do that character justice, or at least not offend anybody. If you've got something of an obscure request, it'd help me out a whole bunch if you could tell me a little about said obscure people.  
  
Sounds like fun, doesn't it? So which crazy pairing am I going to start off with? Well, seeing as I've got no requests to work off of, and seeing as how I need a story to post, we'll start off with something I've wanted to see for quite some time: Orphen versus Dark Schneider. Think of it as a way to analyze my writing style and decide for yourself if I'm worthy of your request.  
  
It was late at night, and in a field outside the city of Amenhatten, a certain brunette sorcerer was pacing back and forth in an irritated fashion. His red bandanna flowed in the gentle breeze. "God, where does that girl come up with this stuff?" He said to himself. Changing hi voice to a mocking falsetto, he irritably replayed an earlier conversation. " 'Oh come on, Orphen, let's stay at this hotel tonight! You know we need to rest after all that dragon hunting! And tomorrow, we'll go shopping!'" He shook his head. "Dammit Cleao, don't you know we're pretty much broke right now? And why did I agree?" he sighed, and started walking again, only to bump into a much taller man. He looked up and saw someone with long, pure white hair wearing a blue and gold outfit with matching navy cape. "Sorry man."  
  
Dark Schneider, meanwhile, looked at Orphen with interest. In particular, he was pleased to see the pendant around the young man's neck: a dragon wrapped around a sword. "So, you're a sorcerer? Great! I've been so bored lately! Let's have ourselves a little match!" Orphen shook his head and smiled bemusedly. "Sorry buddy, but I'm not really in the mood." Dark Schneider smirked and extended a palm. "We'll just see about that. Damned!" Orphen twisted his body to avoid the blast, which blew up a nearby hill. "I guess that means I don't get to say no. Okay then, but you asked for this!"  
  
"Guide me! O Starling of Death!" "Wa Quo! Raven!" Orphen's multi- strike spell fell on empty space, as Dark Schneider took off into the air. "He can fly!?" Orphen tried to turn around keep up with his opponent, but to little avail. "Oh come on, boy! I'm sure you can do better than that! Su An Doa Stay-ru. RIOT!" Orphen screamed in pain as lightning coursed around his body. When it stopped, he was smoking slightly, and had to squint to see straight, the pain was so great. "Who. who the hell are you?" "The name's Dark Schneider: most powerful sorcerer in the world!"  
  
"We'll see about that! Sisters of Explosion! That I cry out!" Dark Schneider was engulfed in purple light, and knocked out of the sky. "I'm impressed, boy. After taking Riot full on like that, most people can't properly aim magic." "Yeah, well I'm not most people, and my name is Orphen!" Dark Schneider smirked wickedly. "Cocky, too. then how about this? Zazard, Zazard. Scrono rono sook. Burning in the Depths of Darkness. Fires of Hell! Become my sword and strike down my enemy! Venom!" "Look pal, you're TOO SLOW! Towers of Heaven, that dance around me!" Surrounding himself in purple light, Orphen teleported over his opponent. He raised one hand over his head, with his index and middle fingers protruding from the rest of his hand. "That I do carry: Sword of the Descending Demon!" A thin blue energy sword formed around Orphen's outstretched fingers, and he brought it down full force on Dark Schneider's left arm. He grinned with satisfaction as he saw the arm fall to the ground.  
  
But to Orphen's surprise, Dark Schneider began laughing maniacally. "Ha! You think this is enough to beat me? It's just a scratch!" Orphen smirked. "Nah, I figured you'd still be standing. That was just a ploy for this! Inspection of Morning Fog, that I sing!" A look of utter shock covered Dark Schneider's face as he was coated from head to toe in thick ice. "Now it's over." Said Orphen with a grin. But Dark Schneider is not so easily defeated. Even encased in ice, he managed a faint incantation that gradually grew louder. "Boo-ray Boorayn Dead. Obey your blood oath, come forth from the land of Advan!" Orphen whipped himself around to face the rapidly melting ice. "Fire of Gehena, become a fiery blast and burn everything around us! EXODUS!!" Dark Schneider finished his spell with a roar, and burst into flames, almost instantly vaporizing the ice and even beginning to melt the ground under his feet. "I warned you. you've still only scratched me." Orphen scowled, and prepared his best spell. "Sword of Light, whom I do release!" Once again off guard, Dark Schneider found himself missing some crucial parts of his stomach as he fell to the ground. "Dark Schneider." mused Orphen, "I didn't want to kill you, but you didn't exactly leave me much of a choice."  
  
But then a voice. Recognizably Dark Schneider's, and yet not coming from his lips: "Who said I was dead? Witness TRUE Magic, boy!" Orphen gasped in shock. "Absolutely no FUCKING way he's still alive! It's impossible!" Dark Schneider's body began to rise high into the air. "Day Boom Stain! Spirits of earth and air. Honor the ancient pact and fulfill your duty to me! Mega Death!" Orphen jumped as far back as possible and barely managed to scramble out of the way. Dark Schneider descended, with all of his body once again intact. "What is this guy made of!? I've thrown everything I've got at him, and he doesn't even have a scratch to show for it!" Losing his temper, Orphen rushed in and gave Dark Schneider a very solid uppercut to the jaw. The Exploder Wizard took the blow head on, only slightly moving with the blow. "You're truly an impressive piece of work, kid," Dark Schneider paused to run a hand though his hair, "But the instant this story started, it was destiny that I win! Be it fanfic or anime, nobody defeats the smart, popular, and ultra-handsome protagonist!" (A/N: Darsh-kun really does make cracks like that throughout his career as an anime character) "What are you babbling about?" Dark Schneider circled his arms in front of his face twice, and chanted, "Kaizard, aruzard, kisku. Hansay glos silk. Unleash total destruction! Sage of Hades! Use the seven keys to open the Gates of Hell! HARROWING!" The black and white blast of pure destructive energy surged toward Orphen. "Armor of Ice, that doth spin around me!" Raising his hands over his head, Orphen attempted to shield himself, but to little avail. He was bowled over on the ground, and cut badly in many places.  
  
Dark Schneider chuckled and cracked his neck. "Game's over. Orphen. Looks like I win. but you were a generally entertaining opponent, so I won't kill you. In fact, I'd say in another 100 years or so, you might even beat me!" "100 years!? Just how old are you?" "Let's put it this way. I'm over 400." Said the freakishly tall mage as he walked away laughing softly. Breathing heavily, Orphen looked around himself. The fields were absolutely trashed, but the city itself was untouched. "Even with all of that, he still shielded the city. Dark Schneider. just who is he?" Then, another thought. "Aw jeez! How am I gonna explain this to Majic and Cleao?"  
  
End Fight.  
  
So, how'd I do? Review the story, and give me your requests if you desire. I'll get to work on them right away!  
  
Leena: That'll be the day. You can barely stay on top of two stories! How are you gonna handle this?  
  
Phoenixfire: Oh, allow me to introduce me love/muse: Leena Tauros! Don't try to put her in a fight in here, 'cause I'll probably be a little biased. well, see you all net time! Please review, and come back soon! 


	2. 2nd Fight! Yue Versus Kaworu!

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: I do not, nor do I claim to own any of the characters represented in this story. They belong to their creators, who I pray have too much to do and therefore will not sue me. Yeah.  
  
OTHER STUFF: Okay, here's the next installment in the Anime Battle Dream Match. speaking of which, can anybody help me com up with a better title? I'm horrible at that kind of thing. I have to say, I kinda wish more people had told me how my fight was, but I'm just thrilled to find that SOMEBODY likes the idea. And Chibi Hentai Angel (now there's a conflicting image), you've gotten the first word in, so the next installment is indeed Kaworu vs. Yue. One "Angel" vs another. The fifth child vs the second guardian. two characters that are very powerful, and yet hardly fight while they're on screen. What a perfect match up! And on a technical note, this is Kaworu slightly before he well. you know. died. Stupid Shinji.  
  
In the deep of the night, Kaworu Nagisa walked in a place he had not been before, for a reason he did not fully understand. I suppose it is fair to say that his recent friendship with Shinji Ikari had him wondering about his chosen path. He looked up at the stars and smiled slightly. "I suppose destiny is called by such a name because we cannot escape it, regardless of our race." he said with a sigh and began walking back toward NERV headquarters, where Adam awaited.  
  
Yue had been watching Kaworu from a nearby rooftop. He had sensed a huge presence earlier, and wanted to make sure that it wouldn't be a threat to his mistress, the Clow Master Sakura. "Well, there can be no doubt that boy is the one. he's definitely not trying to hide his power. Still, I wonder what he's doing here." The words passed almost silently across his lips as he spread his wings and took off to keep up with the ghastly white youngster. Yue stayed back a little to avoid any premature detection.  
  
Kaworu stopped suddenly. "You can show yourself, now. I know you're up there, archangel." Yue descended, all the while wondering, "How did he know I was there?" Kaworu turned and looked at his follower, looked up at the cold, bluish-silver eyes, looked at his long silvery hair, and at the large, white wings, which enveloped Yue's body. "Yes, the very depiction of the guardian angel. I can honestly say I did not think anyone of your kind existed." Keeping the same calm look as Kaworu, Yue replied, "Of course. You're naive to think that yours was the only kind on earth." "Of course, there is also the Lillan, those whom you protect. I suppose you call them humans, but as the descendants of Lillith, 'Lillan' makes more sense, don't you agree?" Yue frowned. This kid talked more educated than most anyone on earth could manage, yet he didn't look older than 14. What the hell was going on? And why didn't he refer to himself as human?  
  
"So you're not human. then tell me, what is it you want?" Kaworu chuckled. "There's an interesting question. I suppose the only answer I can give is that I want to fulfill my destiny, even though it will destroy the Lillan." "You're going to destroy the human race?" "Unless a friend of mine stops me, I will return to Adam, back from whence I came. Though it will undoubtedly end the Lillan culture, one who was born from Adam must return to Adam. For the thread of hope is spun with the flax of sorrow." "You're absolutely insane." Said Yue, "But I need to serve my mistress, and therefore I cannot allow you to follow through with your plan." He held out a palm and created several blue crystals, and launched the celestial shards at his opponent. They disintegrated harmlessly on a glowing red field that suddenly engulfed Kaworu. "I do not wish to fight you now." said Kaworu as he turned away and continued walking.  
  
Yue refused to give up, throwing more and more crystalline projectiles at the red-eyed boy. Each of them was neutralized by the red shield. "It doesn't matter how hard I try, I can't hurt him, or even catch him off guard! What the hell is that thing?" "Are you wondering about the light of my soul? The Lillan refer to it as an "AT" field, but it is merely the barrier to my sacred space in which none may intrude. Just the veil that encloses your mind, there's no trick to it." "How are you turning a metaphysical ideal into a physical shield?" Still without looking back, Kaworu replied, "I already told you. And I'd would also advise you to stop following me." "Not a chance! I can't let the humans die!" Yue launched a fire arrow at Kaworu, out of options, and desperate to stop the enigmatic teenager.  
  
It was with tremendous shock that Yue saw his arrow blocked by a massive red hand. As he looked up, he noticed the enormous red robot that owned it; only it didn't look so robotic. Kaworu turned around and looked at his antagonist sadly. "I warned you not to follow, but now I must test my control over this unit." The massive shoulder of the machine/beast gleamed in the rising sun, and Yue saw the markings "EVA 02." "Eva 2?" he questioned. "Yes, this is mankind's greatest invention. They use that which they hate most of all to save themselves. no, I fear that the Lillan hate themselves far more than anything else." Unit 2 grasped Yue in two giant fists and began to squeeze. Tremendous pain racked Yue's body: the bones would shatter soon. It was then that the red beast moved forward a little and set him down gently on the ground.  
  
Kaworu looked down at Yue. "What is your name?" he asked. ".Yue." Came a choked reply. "Well then Yue, I am Kaworu Nagisa. It has been a pleasure talking to you. Know this: I do not want to slay the Lillan. Pray as I do that Shinji will be able to stop me." Yue struggled to sit up and watch Kaworu walk away humming 'Ode to Joy'. "He claims he is going to destroy mankind, but there's no malice in his attacks. what's going on? Well, the only thing I know for certain is that there is no way in HELL that Keroberos will ever find out I lost to a kid." He shook his head and slowly limped home, praying all the while as Kaworu had told him. that the young enigma would be killed by his best friend.  
  
Y'know, it's really hard to put Kaworu in a fight. He doesn't really do a whole hell of a lot of it, and he doesn't really want to, either. Well, here's hoping that I haven't offended anybody. But here's my basic reasoning behind this whole thing: Only an Evangelion can destroy an Angel. They're the only things that can neutralize AT fields, and Shinji is really the only person Kaworu would ever consider losing his life to. Sorry Yue fans. Well, I'll be working hard to get my other requests up lickity splitly. so hang in tight and don't forget to review! 


	3. 3rd Fight! Domon Versus Heero!

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Here we go again. I'm a FAN fiction writer. How can I own things I write fan fiction about? Correct: I can't. Meaning I don't claim to own them, so you're not allowed to sue THIS poor teenager, you rich anime producing companies, you.  
  
NON-LEGAL RAMBLINGS: Y'know, considering how potentially serious this particular fic can/should be, I don't exactly write the most serious disclaimers, do I? Just part of my personality, I guess. You can tell I'm working really hard to get all the requests up before I get potentially swamped with more, except not really 'cause I haven't updated in forever. At least... I hope more people request... ah, it doesn't matter that much. I'll never give up! Look, I'm going to try this every way I can: if you read this, could you give my pal Gundam Triple K a try? He's only got one fic as of yet, but it's a solid first start, and nobody's reviewing. Come on folks, don't ignore him just cause his new. If you don't water the flowers, they'll never grow... hey! What a metaphor! ^_^ Anyway, since I'm just kinda going down the list, here's my next part: Domon Kasshu versus Heero Yuy!   
  
It had been a little while since the downfall of the Devil (Dark) Gundam, and the undisputed Gundam fighter champion and King of Hearts Domon Kasshu was getting really bored. So it was no surprise to anyone when he took the God (Burning) Gundam out of storage and started to look for new challenges. Nobody really worried about him either. Sai, Argo, Chibodee, George, and especially Rain knew he'd be back; after all, there was a Gundam Fight next year. So rather, they wished him luck on his journey, and waited for his return.  
  
It wasn't long after leaving (about 3 and a half weeks), that Domon found himself a competitor: a young, brown haired boy with cold, blue eyes. His green tank top and shorts revealed a surprisingly well-defined body, and clearly nerves of steel; it was way too cold to be wearing that. It was either that, or the fact that he was doing maintenance on a very impressive looking Gundam, but Domon knew he had found his challenge. Heero, meanwhile, turned around to see a taller man with wild, black hair and a large, red cloak staring at him intently. "What do you want?" asked Heero. "Is that Gundam yours, kid?" "And if it is?" "Then I wanna challenge you to a Gundam Fight!"  
  
Heero was absolutely shocked at Domon's eagerness to enter a battle. Shocked and sickened. How many people had died by his hand alone? "It's battle loving people like this guy that won't let the world change for peace." He thought. "Miss Relena... my friends... and myself. We've all worked hard to bring a world without battles, and I'm not about to let you go screw it up. To preserve the peace we fought for, I'll accept your challenge, but consider this as your warning: I'm going to kill you." Domon was quite taken aback by the morbid tone of the young man's voice, but it was clear that this kid was a warrior... he'd make a great challenge. "Calm down, buddy, it's just a little match. For fun, y'know, nothing serious!" he said. Heero climbed into his Gundam: Wing Zero. "That is precisely why you have to die. You have no respect for the true nature of battles... I can't let people like that live to spread their delusions."  
  
Domon thought to himself for a moment. "I have no idea what this kid's going on about... is he serious? Nah, nobody's stupid enough to kill a Gundam Fighter; he's gotta be bluffing. Hey, that must be it! He's trying to throw me off before we start... nice plan!" Having concluded that he had nothing to worry about, Domon called for his Gundam. Entering an intermediate fighting stance, Domon sized up his opposition. The Gundam he was up against had the same coloration as his, but it was built completely differently. In the back, there were large, wing-like things that gave the machine something of a angelic quality. Two Vulcan machine guns were held on the shoulders, and it looked like there was at least one beam saber hidden somewhere. What worried Domon the most, however, was the massive double barrel gun it held in its left hand, and the large red shield in its right.  
  
Heero, meanwhile, also sized up his opposition. "Hmm... that Gundam only has two Vulcans for projectiles... it seems to be made entirely for hand to hand combat... could he be serious about recreational fighting?" he said quietly. Tossing the Buster Rifle to one side, he called out, "I won't be needing this." And drew out a beam saber. Domon grinned and launched himself at the Wing Zero with a flying kick, which Heero easily dodged, and brought his saber down on his hapless foe's back. "You're far too slow... you're moves are easily predicted, and therefore easily countered." This mocking enraged Domon. "Oh yeah!? Let's see how predictable I am!" He drew his own saber and clashed mightily against the Wing Zero's, but never really seemed to make any leeway. The sword fight ended abruptly with Domon nearly losing God Gundam's hand to an incredibly quick counter attack. "Well, I guess this calls for specialty techniques, then." He backed off and held his right hand aloft. "What the hell is he doing?" pondered Heero. "This hand of mine is burning red!!" The chest plate on God Gundam lifted up, revealing a large red crest. "Its loud roar tells me to grasp victory!" A guard slipped over the hand, which was now glowing with intense heat. "ERUPTING.... BURNING... FINGER!!!" The assault met with Wing Zero's shield, which melted into scrap. "Not a bad trick, but you're still too slow to keep up with Zero!" Heero took a huge, arcing slash at God Gundam's unprotected chest, but Domon was able to dodge, if only just barely.  
  
"Incredible!" the king of hearts exclaimed, "He's better than my burning finger! But we're still getting started, aren't we, God Gundam!" Domon activated the Hyper Mode, and his machine began to glow golden, much to Heero's surprise. "This is my Gundam's TRUE form!" called Domon, leaping at Heero with exponentially improved agility, speed, and aggression. Now, even the mighty Zero system was having a difficult time of keeping pace, and many hard blows landed on the heretofore-untouched Wing Zero. "So, that thing can increase its power by feeding off the pilot's emotions... that's an impressive peace of machinery." Pressing a few switches, Heero switched over to Neo-bird mode, and Wing Zero morphed itself into a fighter jet. Amazed but undaunted, Domon kept up his assault, only now it was harder to make contact, and even then it was only a passing blow. Heero flew in slowly increasing circles, careful not to reveal his intent, as he edged closer to his Buster Rifle. When he reached it, he re-converted back to battle mode. "Ha! I've been waiting for you to do that! What, you run out of fuel? Well, here I go! School of the Undefeated of the East: The Ultimate Technique! SEIKI HA... TENKYOKEN!!!" It was Domon's most well guarded secret, and a technique that he and he alone could use, since Master Asia had met with his unfortunate demise. A massive energy blast shot forth from God Gundam's palms towards Wing Zero, who had already rearmed himself with the Buster Rifle. "Locked onto the target..." said Heero completely emotionlessly. "Commencing destruction." Pulling the trigger, Heero unleashed a force capable of destroying massive asteroids with a single shot; a beam that had taken out over a dozen mobile suits with that same single shot. It easily overtook the seiki ha tenkyoken, with energy to spare to blow off the arm of the aggressor. Moving in close, he pointed both barrels at point blank on God Gundam's chest.   
  
"The fight is over... you lose." Domon flinched, all the while thinking, "Shit! This kid's really gonna go through with this!" Heero, however, only lifted the gun up to a resting position. "Wing Zero tells me you are not my enemy. It shows me no future in which you cause harm to the universe. However, be sure that you take the battle for its true nature, and not the over-glorified delusion you seem to carry." Wing Zero turned around and walked away. At that moment, a black Gundam with a huge scythe appeared next to Domon. "Consider yourself lucky, pal. The years have really softened Heero up. If you had fought him earlier, he woulda just blasted ya to pieces! Hey, Heero, wait up! Aren't ya going to wait for your buddy? Aw, come on, man! Jesus, some things never change." And so the God of Death Duo Maxwell ran after Heero to catch up with him, leaving Domon to wonder just what the hell had happened. "That rifle is incredible... Those Gundams... they must be for war. Now I understand, Heero. Don't worry, I'll keep my fighting to the ring. Oh crap, that's right! I've gotta go get this thing fixed before the next Gundam Fight!"  
  
End fight....  
  
So, here we have it. The King of Hearts is no match for a warrior boy. Let's face the facts, though. Domon Kasshu may be powerful, but he doesn't have anywhere near the experience Heero does. Or the firepower. Or the same will to fight. Yeah, I already said he's good, but he's no match for a true soldier... man, Zechs would eat him alive! Poor guy, at least he's got a girlfriend who DOESN'T belong in the morgue. Damn Relena Peacecraft... Well, have fun reading this, and keep the suggestions coming, or else I'll have to make one myself! 


	4. 4th Fight! Excel vs Majin Escaflowne!

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: I own a wallet with a moth coming out of it right about... now. Do you really think I own the rights to any anime characters?  
  
Hey, folks! Welcome back to my anime battle arena! I'm still looking for a better name, so any suggestions would be great! It is with deep regret that I add a stipulation to all requests: DBZ characters are only allowed to fight each other, and if I can avoid doing that, I'd appreciate it. Sorry S-F and Frenchie, but here's why: the people on that show are too frickin' strong! Remember, to keep up with rabid fan demand, Toriyama had to continuously add bigger challenges AFTER he intended to end the story, which mean almost everyone who fights can blow up a planet by looking at it funny. I've done all sorts of analyses between DBZ and the strongest characters of other shows: there is no comparison. EVERYBODY else has checks and balances to their techniques, but not wonder-boy Goku and his team of cheap bastards. Hiei can't use the Dragon of the Darkness Flame without injuring himself, and Lina Inverse's Giga Slave spell has an enormously long casting time, but Goku can fire off one planet-demolishing beam after another in rapid succession. I ask you: is that really fair to the people you'd have fighting against them? As a compromise for my two most loyal reviewers, I'll cross your requests into Nakago vs Kamui fight later on, if that's what you want. But no Saiya-jin; I don't want to embarrass god-like fighters with a one-sentence defeat, and let's face it, that's what it would boil down to. This is some rant, that it is.  
  
So what's left to me right now? Yes, that's right: We'll take a dip out of the serious side of the fights and into Gundam Triple K's request: Excel Excel against a real flesh and blood person who calls himself Majin Escaflowne (what the hell? Oh and he's not an author folks, so if by some coincidence there is another out there, I don't mean you). Yes, an epic clash between a girl with enough otaku-ish knowledge to put just about everyone else to shame, not to mention the most loyal follower of Lord Ilpalazzo, and a guy who doesn't recognize any anime outside of Toonami, whose speech patterns are so lamentably and laboriously slow that he has come to be know as the "Anti-Excel". Fitting duel, no?   
  
As an added bonus, I'm going to include a short skirmish between Chipp Zanuff and "Daiten Ladies" a.k.a. Misaki Matsuya. She did kinda steal his Delta End attack, and I'd imagine the drug-trafficking Ninja and Japanese wannabe would like some revenge, and since it fits the Excel Saga theme, what the hell, why not?  
  
NOTE: THE "STORY" STARTS HERE. LAZY PEOPLE MAY SKIP TO THIS POINT.  
  
Written Oath: I, Phoenixfire-k, hereby give my permission to turn the Excel Saga anime into a fighting show. But what does that matter? It's not like I'm really in any position to say that. I mean, if my name were Koshi Rikdo, that'd be different, but...  
  
Koshi Rikdo: Oh, just shut up and start the fic already! * insert Rikdo stamp of approval *  
  
"Hail Ilpalazzo!" Excel's golden braid swayed energetically as she gave a joyous, if not slightly Hitler-esque salute to the idealistic commander of the super secret ideological organization of ACROSS (total staff: 3) whose ultimate goal is the conquest and purification of the world. WAI, Ilpalazzo-sama is the coolest! ^_^ Erm... excuse me, not quite sure what came over me just now. "Zzo." Hyatt gave her version of the salute: more of a pathetic wave of the hand. But give the blue-haired Martian Princess a break, she dies about once every six minutes, and how energetic would you be if that happened? "Ah, good morning ladies. It's good to see morale is as stable as ever, but we have very important business to discuss, so we will forego the usual report to move on to more pressing matters."   
  
Excel's eyes widened. "You mean you don't want to hear about how Excel failed her latest mission by goofing off and being sidetracked by the purchase of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards and their various shiny protectors, or how she got into a long and very much drawn out conversation about why nobody likes this Excel with a peculiar fan fiction author looking exactly like the anime character Seto Kaiba except for two bizarre red wings on his back? Your Excel is stunned, glorious Lord Ilpalazzo, to learn that anything might be so important so as to interrupt the usual going-ons of our ACROSS, which is to say the nothing that typically goes on, and the way Excel gets herself into very tense situations by saying things she winds up regretting just a minute... AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHH!!!"  
  
Ilpalazzo let go of the rope and listened with a small amount of satisfaction as his senior agent hit the water in the bottom of the pit he had dug to keep her in check. In true Excel-ish fashion, she was out a moment later, but at least he had interrupted her ramblings. Pushing his glasses further up his nose, he continued, "Yes, well regardless of surprises, it has come to my attention that a particularly dim-witted individual from the real world has wandered into F-City. Due to the fact that an author has specifically requested it, I want you, Excel, to find this person and dispose of him. We don't need anyone making the ignorant masses appear smart; that's why we have you." "While your Excel would appreciate it if you didn't refer to her in such a demeaning manner, she understands what you mean, sir. Author requests are notoriously hard to ignore, especially in fan fiction, where one person sits from on high at his computer and runs our live for as many words as his puny brain can transfer onto a text file that will in all likelihood never exceed the size of 600 bytes, largely due to his utter lack of creativity, resulting in appallingly few words actually being spoken, and despite the promise of longer fights, things rarely wind up in any better shape than a certain anime magazine that a certain author said he could do better than and..." Excel spontaneously combusted. From his desk, Phoenixfire grinned, revived her, and changed the scene to downtown F-City, where Majin Escaflowne was wandering around in a dazed stupor. Oh wait, that's his normal face...  
  
Excel noticed the boy, with his perpetually wrinkled T-shirt with a dragon on it, and knew she had found her mark, mainly because she just finished reading this sentence that you, the reader, are just finishing now. "You there! In the name of the glorious Lord Ilpalazzo, whose grand and arrogant ideals bless the world with a genius so profound that I can hardly to profess to understand them, I will erase you from this city." Caught up in making a pun, Excel took out a giant pencil and began to rub the eraser against Majin Escaflowne. "What are you doing?" he asked in that irritatingly sloth-paced manner of his (I wonder how many ways to say slow I'll wind up using?). "Listen kid, if you'll kindly look up... yes that's right, really far up there, you know where that rant is? Yeah, if you look at that, you'll see it is a necessity to the ideals of ACROSS that you and I fight each other." "No it doesn't... It just says Gundam Triple K wants this to happen." Excel sweat dropped, and exclaimed, "Stop talking so slowly! Jeez, it's no wonder you're called the anti-Excel, since your speeches are incredibly short,. And yet they take up about the same amount of time as mine, even though I ramble on and on about nothing in particular, like this one time, at band camp..."   
  
Inexplicably, Majin Escaflowne chose this time to punch Excel in the face. "Thanks a bunch dude, I had no idea where I was going with that." "You listen, you strange, rambling... girl!" "Ooh, what an insult! Oh, don't call me a girl, again, I beg of you!" Majin E's eyebrow twitched slightly. "Don't interrupt! I'm here on a mission to brainwash people and become their leader. With my otaku-ish knowledge of Pokemon, and my pointless obsession with Ryoko, I will rule all! Ha... ha... ha... ha.........ha!" "P-Pokemon?" Excel stammered. "You would unleash those horrid little critters just to "rule" people? I mean, come on, you can't even laugh at a normal pace, what makes you think people would actually take orders from you? I mean, at this very moment, the author of this fic is working on ideas for a fic intended to neutralize those stupid Pokemon, and let's not forget that your dumb, your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!" "What does that have to do with anything?" "Ah, so you admit it!" "I never said that!" "But you didn't deny it, either! Excel wins, because in the end, the one who wins is the winner, or to put it another way; the winner is the one who didn't lose, because that would make her the loser, and that's you!" Excel laughed maniacally as only she can, twirling around, blowing random things up somehow, and just overall causing mayhem. Majin Escaflowne however, like anyone else in his situation would be, was just confused.  
  
"It's time to finish you! Have an Excel Punch!" Excel's fist met with an unusually hard chest, especially considering the scrawny status of her opponent. "What is that? Just skin stretched over bone?" "Yeah, pretty much." Excel pondered over her predicament, turning and walking away absent-mindedly just as a large rock crashed down to where Majin Escaflowne was standing. On top of said boulder was yellow plushie thing that looked remarkably like Kero from Card Captor Sakura with a Futon beater. "Puchuu!" It proclaimed happily, before a random sniper shot it in the head. It's face suddenly turned grotesque, and it cried out "Ah, why have you killed me so easily!?" and promptly flopped over dead.  
  
"Holy Zen!" Chipp Zanuff woke up with a start. He ran his hands through his pure white hair to get the sweat out. " That was some dream... must've fallen asleep. Now where the hell is that attack-stealing bitch I'm here for?" Matsuya stood in front of Chipp, really just wondering what the hell she was doing back in that ridiculous Daiten suit, and in front of a drug-addled Ninja, no less. "Hey, writer guy! I'm clean, don't go sayin' things like that about me!" Chipp cried angrily at the author. Sorry. "That's better. But... Jesus! Why are you dressed like a power ranger?" Misaki shook her green helmeted head. "Don't ask... I don't really know myself." She said. "Fair enough, but you stole my Delta End! It was mine! I had it first!" Matsuya threw a rock, which hit Chipp in the head. "Ow! That's going to bruise, dammit!" "Sorry, but I don't have time to be talking to someone with a big knife on his arm. I need to find a way to get this damn suit off!" Chipp stroked his chin thoughtfully, then with a cry of 'Eh, what the hell', he teleported above her and pressed his palms together, as if in prayer. He split into five separate apparitions, and a line of flames extended from each of them to create an occult star, which drew Misaki helplessly into it. Appearing on the ground, Chipp tilted his arm-blade up slightly. "Delta End!" The explosion knocked his opponent unconscious. "Destroyed!" called a mysterious voice out of nowhere. "Maybe that was a little cheap..." he said aloud, "Hey! Wait a second... I'm in Japan! Yay!" Chipp grinned with satisfaction and walked off, singing his favorite song:   
  
"Hitori de wa, tooi ashita wo, Yoake no mama de, koesou de"  
(When I'm alone, tomorrow feels far away.  
And I must go over still into the darkness of dawn.)  
"Butsukatteikya kokeru omoi yo Konya mo mata sure chigai..."  
(If I try to play it straight, it will no doubt fail,  
And tonight it won't go well between us again)  
  
Today's Experiment... Failed.  
  
In an apartment at one side of town, the Excel Saga cast that didn't get any fic time were all huddled around the computer, until... "Ding!" "Oh boy, the popcorn's done!" exclaimed the ever-cheerful Iwata. Watanabe shot up and pinned his roommate to the wall. "When the hell did we have money to spare for popcorn?" "Uh... we didn't really, but it's extra butter, and ya just can't say no to that!" Sumiyoshi looked at the screen. "...People are watching us." He 'said' (wrote into the air... don't ask). Meanwhile, Hyatt was busy setting up a microphone for Menchi, the suspiciously cat-like dog/emergency food supply for ACROSS. Vomiting blood, the blue-haired girl fell over dead... again... and the small, white, and potentially delicious Pomeranian began to bark her theme song into the mic...   
  
End fight(s)...  
  
And that wraps this up. In case nobody knows, Chipp is singing "Heart of Sword- Yoake Mae (Before Drawn), the fourth ending to Ruroni Kenshin. But I've rambled on enough, so I'm just going to ask everyone to review. Not everything is going to be humor, remember that, so if you want more, request it! 


	5. New Fight! Kuwabara Versus Yami Bakura!

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: I must admit that, despite all my efforts, I do not own the anime portrayed here. Maybe next year.  
  
NON-LEGAL STUFF: You thought it would never happen, but I'm back. You thought it was safe it read ff.net. and you were pretty much right. After all, what am I going to do? Anyway, here is Shadow-Fox's backup request: Kuwabara versus Yami Bakura. Why my spell checker thinks "kawakawa" is preferable to Kuwabara, I will never know. Ack, tangent! Here we have the only hero in Yu Yu Hakusho to lose a fight (unless you count Poltergeist Report, in which case he was initially the only guy to win, but he was paired against a worthless waste of space, so I won't count it), fighting against an ancient and immortal spirit with aspirations of world conquest, also currently employed as S-F's muse. One has a sword made of pure spiritual energy; the other has a ring and a deck of trading cards. It doesn't sound very balanced when you put it like that, does it? Still, should be interesting, let's see how it turns out:  
  
In the city of Domino, home to the best Magic and Wizards/Duel Monsters players in the world, a certain Kuwabara Kazuma wandered around, completely out of place. "Just what the hell am I doing here?" he said to nobody in particular. He walked past a bunch of kids excitedly opening packs of cards, paused to remark about what losers thy were, and continued walking. "Damn Urameshi. sticking me with this dumb job. 'Oh, Keiko wants Yugi Mutou's autograph, go get it for me, Kuwabara.' What the hell was I thinking, saying yes? Hmm. maybe I was drunk." Suddenly aware of another presence behind him, he wheeled around to find himself staring at a white- haired, damn near albino youth; only his soft brown eyes prevented him from being labeled as such. "You're looking for Yugi?" he asked. "Why, do you know him? Dude, what just happened to your face?" Kuwabara was staring at the same youth, and yet not. Suddenly seeming older, and definitely much more wicked; Bakura shrugged his shoulders, and glared at the street punk in front of him and said, "I believe that's my line." Enraged, Kuwabara loomed over his now opponent. "You wanna try saying that again!?" he cried.  
  
"Ooh, hostile. good. It'll be more fun this way." Yami Bakura pulsed with the energy of his sennen ring, and everything around them went completely black. "You seem to have a fair amount of power," the dark spirit said, "and I've been rather bored lately. Why don't we play a little game?" With a diabolical grin on his face, he drew his deck out and held it in front of him. "Those things again? What are you gonna do, give me a paper cut?" Kuwabara laughed, but soon stopped as Yami Bakura very calmly selected a card and held it aloft. Glowing softly, it released a monster: a vicious, giant green insect. "Allow me to introduce the Man-eater Bug. We shall see how you fare against it." He casually pointed at Kuwabara, as if bemusedly telling the bug to attack. Kuwabara grinned. "You'll have to do better than that to defeat the great Kuwabara!" Summoning a Spirit Sword, he effortlessly cleaved the bug into two pieces. Yami Bakura smirked. "Clean cut. if a bit uneven. Let's keep it up, shall we?" Yami Bakura this time summoned a spear cretin: a bizarre imp armed with a spear. It met the same fate as the bug, but the bug resurrected. "You like the spear cretin's ability? Have fun playing with my bug again."  
  
"Did you forget how easily I beat it last time?" As if to demonstrate, Kuwabara swiftly hacked the bug to bits. Yami Bakura merely shrugged and summoned a second spear cretin. "Don't you have any better tricks?" mocked Kuwabara, killing the new abomination. "Well, how's that?" Bakura pointed to the ground where the fallen spear cretin once lay. In its place was a living, breathing cretin. "What the!? Didn't I just kill you?" Another swing of his sword, and that cretin met its end as well, but another rose from the ground to replace it. "What is this!? How many of these friggin' things are there!?" Yami Bakura laughed. "You're rather dull witted, aren't you? You saw the imp's ability. Just imagine what happens when there are two." Kuwabara slashed the endlessly reappearing fiends. It wasn't exactly hard work taking them out, but the constant action was starting to take its toll on the swordsman. When the Man-eater appeared again, Kazuma laughed in triumph. "Oh, did you screw up? Too bad, why don't you stop this crap and fight me like a man?" "You mean a brawl? Please, some of us are more refined than that. Why get my hands dirty when the infinite power of the Shadow Realm heads my every beck and call?" The spirit of the ring summoned a new beast, this one a reddish, bird-like monster. Its green eyes glowed wickedly, and the Ryukishin powered gargoyle advanced on Kuwabara, catching the Spirit Sword in its jaws and slashing at its opponent's stomach. Kuwabara narrowly avoided being disemboweled, and summoning a second sword, returned the favor.  
  
Now heaving with exhaustion, Kuwabara looked at Yami Bakura. "Did you think these cheap tricks could beat someone as powerful as me?" he laughed, very pleased with his performance. Bakura sighed. "You really are a fool, aren't you? Didn't I tell you before this was a game? If you're not having fun with my monsters, then perhaps you'd prefer this one instead!" Ghostly images of the two Spear Cretins and the Ryukishin Powered floated in the air, and swirled together in a brilliant mosaic of color and light. Out of this makeshift portal stepped a woman, if it could be called that. Pale blue skin and no hair to speak of, the gangly creature sported battle armor, its harsh metal gloves clutched around a demonic doll. Bakura grinned and said, "Meet the Dark Necrophia. The game ends with her." Dark Necrophia rushed Kuwabara, planting a fist firmly in his stomach. He crumpled to the ground, spitting up a little blood. This one wasn't like the others. No, it was much more powerful. It seemed to Kuwabara that his opponent had finally stopped playing games. But that didn't mean he was going to give up. Leaping up into the air, Kuwabara fell back on an old trick. "Sword, get longer!" His sword nearly tripled in length, and went straight through Necrophia's head. Neither her nor her master could have been prepared. Yami Bakura clapped sarcastically, if that was possible. "Well done. I honestly never thought you would be able to beat Dark Necrophia. It's too bad beating her isn't enough to win against her."  
  
"What are you talking about, you freak!?" To his horror, Kuwabara saw the Dark Necrophia rise, and struggled in vain as it latched itself onto him in a kind of hammerlock. "She takes control of the monster who destroys her, or in this case: you. It's been fun, sword boy, but I think I'm going to end it now. Kuwabara watched his own hand create a sword, which pointed itself at his stomach. Here he was, being possessed by a blue demon-thing, with an evil albino about to force him to commit seppuku. As Yusuke would put it, "This is dumb!" But the sword never moved. Instead, Yami Bakura fell to the ground, clutching his stomach. Behind him, a girl with light purple fox ears and a matching tail pulled a pin out of a voodoo doll. "That's enough, 'Ku-chan!" "S-F!? What the hell are you doing here?" "Nice to see you too. I was trying to write a story, but I can't start without my muse!" "Oh, yes, that's exactly what I want to be do-itai! Itai itai itai!" Kuwabara watched the authoress drag his antagonist away by his ear, and blinked heavily as the world around him returned to normal. "Screw Urameshi, I'm going home!"  
  
End Fight.  
  
Well, did everybody like it? Did everybody hate it? Did some of you like it and some of you hate it? Did.  
  
Leena: Phoe-kun, matte! OK boys and girls, this concludes another chapter in the anime battle dome. no, that doesn't work either. Help us, people! We need a new title! And, uh. stand by with more requests. And a special note to Deathscythe: If you're reading this, know that your reviews did not go through. We would love to honor your requests, but as Phoe-kun's memory is sketchy at best, we'd need to hear them, or ones like them, again. To everyone else: Have fun, and request more fights as you think of them! 


End file.
